The Heaven of Bridge

Do you think there is a heaven of bridge?

Do you believe bridge gods exist somewhere?

I, for one, think yes.

But not a heaven with a single God: first of all, that God would surely be a man, a real macho not funny at all, who would spend his time bragging. No, I am thinking more of a heaven like the Greeks had, with many gods, men, women, all happy and very interested in... you know, a heaven where the gods would cheerfully cheat on their spouse. Zeus was the master in that domain, seducing all women, mortal or divine.

So, in my bridge heaven, the most prestigious God, and the less understood, is certainly God Squeeze.

Squeeze is a bit like Zeus in that he slept with everyone and has produced innumerable bastards: Simplesqueeze, Doublesqueeze, Triplesqueeze, Non-simultaneous-squeeze (rather twisted, you don't think?), Squeeze-without-the-count, Trumpsqueeze, CompoundSqueeze, Crisscrosssqueeze, etc.

The immense majority of players don't hang out with the Squeeze family; they find them too complicated. You have all these conditions before you can begin: Do this, don't do that, duck this, rectify the count, etc. It is hell.

In the emphatic gibberish of today's psychologists, Squeezes would surely be identified as a dysfunctional family.

Please note that squeezes are a bit like those rare diseases that you learn about in medical schools: they rarely happen. Bridge is the same thing: squeezes are rare.

The only thing you have to do at bridge is to count to... 13.

Another God is called Elimination.

He is not funny: you're always on diet, you always have to eliminate, eliminate, eliminate, it's... drastic. Elimination might be necessary anytime during a hand, at the beginning, in the middle or at the end. This God is very useful and easy to understand: all you have to do is to cash your tricks, one after the other, no finesse, no ducking, Ace, King, Queen, bang, bang, bang, that's all.

Next is a Goddess that nobody, but nobody, understands: Goddess Lead.

She is so complicated, you always go wrong with her. You try to be really careful, but it is never the right moment, never the right suit, never the right card, etc., so much that some people say she is the patron saint of women (I just repeat what I heard here, don't kill the messenger). Several people have tried to write books about her, the best ones, the worst ones, but sometimes the best is the worst, and the worst is the best. In a word, Goddess Lead is unpredictable, capricious, always changing:

"No, not there!"
"... "
"Not there either!"
"... "
"That you've already done yesterday."
"Yes, but you liked it yesterday."
"Well, I do not like it today!"

If you ask me, we men also could write a catalogue, and it would be very, very thick.

To sum it all, Goddess Lead is simply unbearable. Indeed the majority of players want so much to avoid her that they bid one more: they would rather play the contract and go one down than having to find Miss Lead. In fact, she is the point L of bridge. And she is so pretentious, she thinks she's a star, a prima donna, because she is always the first to be seen. As soon as she appears, she begins to hop around and wave and shout:

"It's me, it's me, look at me!"

Isn't that REALLY annoying? It is so tiring that majority of players have settled the matter: they do not even look at her. That will teach her!

Another God is called Endplay.

The vast majority of players avoid him, as they have only one objective: to keep the hand.

They do not understand that they can use the opponents to play suits in their place.

Losing the hand is equivalent for them as to lose their honour. If they have to make 9 tricks, they want to make them 9 in a row. They are the over-eaters of bridge. They don't understand that a bridge hand is like a meal with 3, 4 or 5 services, with pauses to digest, reflect.

They are bulimic: the first 4 or 5 tricks go quickly, like at McDonald's. At trick 6, they begin to slow down, 7 is more difficult and 8 marks the end. They lose the hand and go down.

Endplay's name says he arrives only at the end of the hand, but sometimes he appears at the first trick. When that happens, we have Endplay-on-Lead. Well, that is a sight. Can you imagine that ? Take the kids out of the room, hurry.

There is another God, very quiet, not spectacular at all, very discreet, not snob, not complicated, called Count, much more practical than Squeeze. In fact, you need him all the time. Sometimes you hear players talking about him.

"Why did you play spades? Count was telling you to play clubs."

There you have it: Count talks to you, he is there, at your service, always ready to help and, if you don't use him, well, it's your fault. If your make friend with this God, bridge becomes almost a child's game. Counting requires a little effort, but its assistance is invaluable.

In the sky of bridge, you see, there are several gods, and most of them do nothing (that is the definition of a God job: having nothing to do) except Lead with a full-time job. As for the others, you can see it day after day at the bridge table, the majority of players do not use them.

There is one last God, a Goddess in fact, extremely popular, so popular she is the Celine Dion of Olympus.

Everyone sings her songs, everyone buys magazines to hear about her life.

Do you have an idea, do you know who she is? But the Goddess Finesse, of course.

Finesse is really the most popular, the more attractive, alluring, charming, attractive, you could use the entire dictionary to describe her.

The vast majority of players spend their time running after Finesse, everybody loves her, they never have enough of her: Finesse here, Finesse there. They do not understand that Finesse should not be relied upon.

The good players are doing everything not to ask for her help, because she is not reliable: she gives you a chance out of two, 50% ( sometimes less), and that is understandable: she must be exhausted, poor Finesse, running everywhere and without judgement. For my part, I think she suffers of a chronic burn-out.

Other gods offer much higher chances of success: Count can offer 65%, 80%, even 100% sometimes; Endplay can assure you of 100%. But we must face the brutal fact: bad players believe they love to win but, basically, they would rather lose. Finesse is so beautiful, so exciting, so sexy...

You are playing 6♥. Lead is ♣K



A loser in spades, one in clubs and at least one at heart, but nothing is lost.

You win the club Ace in your hand. What is the first God who must enlist? Goddess Finesse, of course, in hearts.

Not for pleasure, a mandatory finesse is not the same as an avoidable finesse, here you have no choice. You play, therefore, a small diamond to the King, and a heart from dummy. Small, Jack from you and small on your left. Phew!

Goddess Finesse is very nice this time. You now play the Ace of heart and everyone follows. Re-phew! Voila.

After these 4 tricks, this contract is 100%, you cannot fail. The spade finesse, you say, may miss? What finesse in spades? Send Goddess Finesse home, we no longer need her. By the way, good players do not like to be seen too often with her, she has a bad reputation and they might be accused of bad dating.

After Goddess Finesse, you should now call God Elimination. Indeed you have already started, you have eliminated the hearts of enemy hands. Now you have to remove the diamonds from your hand. Go ahead, therefore: Ace of diamonds and ruff a diamond. Here's what remains:



Finesse in spades ? Didn't we send her home ? I told you, she cannot help you, she can only harm you. She will tell you that you have to guess who has the Queen of Spades. Do you believe that it is really helpful? In fact, she could make you fail.

You should rather use Endplay. First he will be pleased you called for him in the middle of the hand.

Think about it: if you play clubs, eliminating that suit your hands, opponents will have no more heart, you will have no more diamonds, no more clubs, and opponents will have to play spades for you or they will give you Ruff and Sluff, frequent accomplice of Endplay.

Why guess spades when opponents can do it for you? That's what the God Endplay can do for you: he will force West to play spades for you. If West plays a diamond or a club, you will ruff in dummy, discard the spade loser from your hand and register + 1430.

You give one trick to win 5. If this is not a good return on investment!

Speaking of investment, I'll give you a tip: my wife and I have invested for years in the same stocks and we have never lost a penny. At the end of the month, our statement is always higher than what we anticipated. Have you guessed what we invest in? It's easy, it's Visa and MasterCard!

Do not be afraid to invoke all the gods of the bridge, forget about the beautiful goddess Finesse, do not use her unless you're really, REALLY, in need. Rather ask help from everyone else, they are kind and understanding, and they are there to help you really.

As for Goddess Lead (and stocks), do like me... endure.

The Story of Tables and Chairs

In the world of bridge, everyone knows there are tables and chairs.

But did you know tables look down on chairs ?

Tables are snob, that's something I've learned in a recent tournament. One afternoon, I played in a 3-way and my team lost. That evening, a player asked another player (member of the team that had beat us) :

"Who did you beat this afternoon?"
"8 chairs," was the response.

That is when I learned that tables don't have a very high opinion of chairs.

Well, the night after that, this TABLE arrived at my chair (what can I say ?).

First board:
TABLE's partner opened 1♦ Precision, and all passed.
My chair lead a diamond and we collected 12 out of 18 for down 2.

Second board:
My chair opened 1NT and it went pass, pass, 2♥ (hearts and spades).
I passed, the TABLE passed and my partner doubled. The chairs defended well, sitting on their tricks (what can one do to a chair ?) and earned 16/18.

Third board:
TABLE's partner tried a curve ball that didn't curve. How can a flat table think of throwing a curve ball?



When the curve ball pitcher bid 5♣, the TABLE, who should have passed on 4♥, unless he takes his partner for a chair, took a very aggressive tone. With the years, chairs have been able to understand the TABLE's language.

"You have no right to bid. Once you bid 2♠, it's my show, you're out of the picture."

The chairs collected 15/18, for a total of 43 out of 54 matchpoints.

The TABLE left his chair (oops!) without saying a word. A TABLE hates looking like a chair.

Chairs of the world, beware: don't let one victory go to your head and make you think you are a TABLE.

Coral Pink Sand Dunes, Utah

In southern Utah, there is a desert where the sand is all coral.

How can the sand be uniformly coral? How is it that there are no pebbles of other colors?

Because the wind chooses them. Yes!

In search of grains, the wind ignores all the other grains, collecting only coral ones. Blowing back in its desert, the wind will drop coral grains and carry away all other grains. Amazing, is not it?

What are the functions of the sand and the wind in the desert?

Cover everything, absolutely everything that tries to go beyond the surface.

Are there any plants that still grow in this desert? Yes.

Some plants have developed a growth mode quite appropriate in the circumstances: they try to grow faster than the sand takes to recover them. Fascinating!

At bridge, in a doubled contract, declarer is like a plant trying to grow in the desert. The two defenders are the wind, unifying their efforts to submerge declarer with sand. They must choose their actions like the wind chooses the sand pebbles: they have to ignore those who are too heavy, let pass those who are too light and take only the ones who will drown the overbidders.

You have:


Partner's delayed double says: Opening hand with diamonds, short in spades. Do you pass for penalty? The pebble is too heavy, no? Your spades are not strong enough to flood declarer. So, with discipline, you bid 2♥. But... help is on the way. People really don't like to pass.



The wind is blowing harder now. What do you do ? First, you have to decide if you make 2♥. Most probably. So, you are entitled to +110 or +140. Declarer is vulnerable, down one not doubled is only +100. So you have to double to collect +200, the Kiss of Death at bridge. Opponents have decided to settle in the middle of the desert, in spite of warnings from your partner. He told them: nothing breaks, all the points are behind opener. But people don't listen. So you double. Declarer should not survive in these conditions.

What is your lead ? Your singleton, or a heart ? You decide to lead a heart to force declarer.



Declarer wins the Ace in dummy and plays back a heart.

Partner takes the King and, for lack of a better return, plays the ♠9. Declarer plays small. Do you take this grain of sand ? Is it the right color ? You decide it is not. Why not duck and let declarer play?

Declarer wins the Queen in dummy and plays a club.

Partner puts the ♣10, declarer wins the ♣A and plays a diamond. You play your singleton. Partner wins the diamond and plays back a second spade. Declarer plays the ♠J.

Do you win this second pebble? No. What will you play after ? By ducking, you keep control of trumps. Very important.

Declarer, almost engulfed now under the sand, replays a diamond. You pitch a heart and partner wins the King. He then plays the diamond Ace and another diamond for you to ruff. You finally play the Ace of spades. There are no more spades in dummy, so you can play a heart.

Declarer will still lose a club for +500 and a top.

In Coral Pink Sand Dunes, everything is back to normal. The wind and the sand have recovered everything.

The four hands: