Friday, July 12, 2013

Philosophy in the boudoir

Why did human beings invent bridge?

Probably to prolong sexual pleasure. Oops! What am I saying?

Well, some will say: What a twisted mind!

How can we talk sex about bridge? It seems obvious to me.

As sexuality is limited in time, the human being was forced to create other games that would be as much fun as sex, but last longer. Hence the invention of bridge. QED.

When a sex session with your spouse lasts an hour or two (I know, I know, I embellish, but I am a man after all), it is a top (you see, we are not far from bridge).

At bridge, this pleasure with your spouse (!) lasts 3 hours or more, with several tops and several fiascoes, this last word used by French author Stendhal to describe precisely a sexual failure. You see again that sex and bridge are not far apart.

Between two or three tops per week in bed (I know, I know I exaggerate yet again), and 4-5 tops or more per night at the bridge club, there is no dilemma: quick, let's go to the bridge club! Especially when you take the pragmatic approach: tops in bed are exhausting, while tops in bridge -- you often just sit there and they fall from the sky!

Others tops, however, occur because they are conjured, carefully planned, they are created from scratch by the mere power of your mind. During such moments, one can have a very erotic experience!

LHO opens 1NT 15-17. Your hand:

Your partner passes, responder also passed and you decide to pass as well, your flat distribution is not appropriate for balancing. Your partner leads the 5 of hearts (3rd/5th).

This beginning does not look very exciting.

Declarer calls for small in dummy, you play the 7 and declarer wins the 8.

Declarer plays the ♠Q, partner plays the 8 (reverse count, showing three cards), dummy plays small, and so do you.

Declarer then plays the ♠J, ♠7 from partner, small in dummy.

Like the desire that sometimes arouses without warning, instinctively, you duck again, without haste or hesitation.

This flirt with danger excites you, especially as it is good bridge: you duck to have a chance to beat the contract (you are playing teams), to give declarer a chance to go wrong.

Indeed, South plays a third spade, your partner follows and declarer is at the crossroads: to play the Ace or not to play the Ace, as Hamlet would say? Two seconds pass, 6, 10, 15, 30 seconds, declarer hesitates, sniffing the air like an animal, trying to sense the danger.

The animal would not go wrong, but a human being cannot reasonably believe that you have stiffed your King of spades.

All your senses are awake. Your heart is pounding. You relive your first love at first sight. What intense pleasure! South finally calls for the 10 in dummy and you win your stiff King. First plateau of pleasure!

You enjoy this first success and take a deep breath.

How can you now lead this to the ultimate point, like the surrealists would say? "Courage is something that needs to be organized," wrote Malraux. Like a top and sexual pleasure in bridge, or vice versa, as you like!

Now the King of clubs?... NO!

Keep your libido under control… and your nerves! Exit in diamonds, hoping that your partner has the Jack. Declarer plays the Ace (2 from partner, she likes), followed by the King.

Seeing the endplay coming (the fiasco), you throw your Queen under the King (are we not ready sometimes to drop everything for a flirt?)

South plays a 3rd diamond, Jack from your partner, who also cashes the 8, everybody discarding a club.

The position is now:

Everything is ready, ecstasy is approaching.

Your partner holds your destiny in her hands.

All she needs now is J10 of hearts (is it not fortunate that the heart is at the heart of this flirt?)

You are not asking for much, only J10 of hearts. You throw her a quick glance and her face, her allure, her posture, everything tells you she will play the Jack of hearts.

After the 8 of Diamonds, she puts the Jack of hearts on the table!

You cannot believe your eyes, you have succeeded.

Your heart skips a beat, you almost faint, you soar in the sky: the top is there, within easy reach.

You're ready to swear loyalty to her until the end of your days, or hers, or at least until the end of the hand.

Your bold flirt, brilliant and risky, has created tricks that were non-existent for the defense.

You already see the +50 that you will proudly show your partners (1 spade, 2 hearts, 2 diamonds and 2 clubs). Added to their +90 (you doubt that your opponents can play as well as you!), you will earn 5 beautiful Imps created by a flirt, a daring trap set for declarer.

While you float on cloud nine, inebriated by the fragrance of this intellectual orgasm, dreaming of your future glory (this hand will surely make the Bulletin), South ducks in dummy!? What's happening ? This play harshly brings you back to earth.

Forced to fall from your cloud, you evaluate the situation. What can you do?

The more you think about it, the more you see that there's nothing to do.

South's latest coup, so simple, cancels your two brilliant shots.

Upset, disenchanted, frustrated, you play a small heart on your partner's Jack. South wins the Ace and endplays you in hearts! It's over! South will write +90 instead of -50.

Very impressed by this beautiful play, you take a look at declarer and you notice for the first time that it is a woman.

Trying to make eye contact to compliment her on the quality of her game, you only see at first her magnificent rasta-style chestnut hair. Sensing your eyes on her, she turns her head towards you, her emerald eyes plunge deep into your soul (and even a little further) and she says:

"In these troubled times, isn't bridge the safest form of sex?"

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