Timeo Danaos et dona ferentesI fear the Greeks bearing gifts

If you are like me, boarding school has left you with memories you cannot get rid of: bad meals (all you can eat style), boring lessons, spiritual counsellor (damn sex!). Latin and Greek were mandatory and we have learned there sentences that have stayed with us all those years.

Delenda quoque Cartago, repeated Catton the Ancient (We must destroy Cartago).
Arma virumque cano… sang Virgil. Upon learning that Aeneas was leaving her, Dido tore up her clothes (quick, to the spiritual counsellor).
Quo usque tandem abutere, Catilina, patientia nostra … shouted Cicero in the Senate. (Till when will you abuse of our patience, Catilina…)

Useless, all this culture? Not a bit. Every bridge player has repeated to his partner, who never listens: Delendo Quoque dummy (We must destroy the dummy). When declarer cashes 7 diamonds tricks in no trump, haven't you never murmured: Till when will you abuse of our patience?

We don't have a spiritual counsellor anymore (purity being a constant problem, we have chosen impurity) and, growing up, we have learned that, in all those classical stories just as in our modern life, everybody sleeps with everybody and that, in certain situations, if you rely heavily on your principles, they will finally cave in and real life can then begin.

In 1st seat you open 1♦:



At bridge, life begins at 4♠. What is happening? You had planned, after your partner’s probable response of 1♥, to jump to 2NT.

But those Visigoths, in the Radio Shack armour, are already at the top of the fortress. All your plans blow up in smoke, what can you do?

If you believe those hyper-aggressive Vandals, LHO should have at least AQJxxx in clubs and RHO, at least 7 or 8 hearts to the King. Your partner is left with KQ of spades and KQ of diamonds for her bid of 2♠ (promising at least 10 points).

The more you think, the more you feel, behind you, Achilles steaming with impatience. Him and Ulysses always fight when they have to establish a plan of action. In fact, Achilles always comes up with the same plan:

"Charge!!!"

In your situation, the Achilles approach seems to be best and you jump to 6NT. Your audacity surprises the Visigoths.

Looking at them, you see they received a scientific schooling: full of trigonometry, of canapés and asking-bids, they obviously never heard of Ulysses and Achilles. Perplexed, they pick their nose, study their hand and comment in their primitive language (sounds like American slang).

During all of this, your LHO, the index deep in his nose, examines his hand, undecided about what to lead. Finally, with all the sophistication he can offer, he "throws" the ♦8 on the table, and puts his index back where it was.

Apparently unfinished business, you reflect silently.



Dummy surprises you, your partner not having what her bid promised. And no heart finesse possible either. Ouch! But it could be worse, as my wife always says, you could be at work!

You understand suddenly LHO's problem: he was end played at trick one. The lead is therefore favourable. Dummy’s Jack forces the Queen from RHO and you win with the ace.

You count your tricks: 5 diamonds, 1 heart, and 5 spades if you find the queen. 11 tricks only.

If you cash 10 tricks (after having found the spade queen), LHO will have to keep AQ of clubs and at least 1 heart to avoid being thrown in and forced to lead a heart into your AQ.

At trick 11, if LHO has played well and kept 1 heart and AQ of clubs, you will have to play Ace of heart and a heart, down one… unless LHO's last heart is the king. Eureka! You shout in your mind...

Why didn’t he lead a heart, his partner's suit? Because he has the King. A squeeze is therefore your only option.

As you have to play spades before diamonds in order to be in your hand at trick 10, you play the spade Ace from your hand, small from LHO, small from dummy, heart 2 from RHO! Wow! You stop to think. Suddenly, RHO expectorates a "Sorry!" and spits a spade on the table.

With the exposed card, the impossible heart finesse becomes possible, 12 tricks glow. The Huns capitulates, Achilles blows his Oliphant (anachronism that will go unnoticed by all scientists), lamenting: What cowards, not even a fight; an exposed card, how pusillanimous.

Cassandra shivers in her diaphanous dress and utters the song of all oppressed people: Timeo Gringos and dona ferentes (I fear the Americans, especially when they offer gifts). As you all know (well, some of you), Cassandra, princess of Troy, was doomed to always tell the truth, yet never to be believed.

What would you have done?

Do you take advantage of the exposed card to play the queen and take the impossible heart finesse?

Or do you stick with your plan of squeezing LHO?

Do you ignore this Greek gift in order to play the hand as it has to be played, for the beauty of it?

In your head, all those great sentences that you learned in your youth, that sing heroism, courage, greatness of heart, and the beauty of the squeeze, soon drown in the ocean of amoral aphorisms that the Gringos have spread everywhere:

• There is nothing below first place;
• Show me a good loser, and I will show you a loser;
• Winning is not everything, it is the only thing;
• Take the money and run!

Is an elegant defeat worth more than a vulgar success?

The opportunistic ethics of modern barbarians finally wins the battle over the noble heroes of yesterday and you play the Queen of hearts. LHO wins the king and cashes the Ace of clubs, down one.



"O Tempora, O Mores … " said, I believe, Cicero, probably just before drinking the hemlock.

Philosophy in the boudoir

Why did human beings invent bridge?

Probably to prolong sexual pleasure. Oops! What am I saying?

Well, some will say: What a twisted mind!

How can we talk sex about bridge? It seems obvious to me.

As sexuality is limited in time, the human being was forced to create other games that would be as much fun as sex, but last longer. Hence the invention of bridge. QED.

When a sex session with your spouse lasts an hour or two (I know, I know, I embellish, but I am a man after all), it is a top (you see, we are not far from bridge).

At bridge, this pleasure with your spouse (!) lasts 3 hours or more, with several tops and several fiascoes, this last word used by French author Stendhal to describe precisely a sexual failure. You see again that sex and bridge are not far apart.

Between two or three tops per week in bed (I know, I know I exaggerate yet again), and 4-5 tops or more per night at the bridge club, there is no dilemma: quick, let's go to the bridge club! Especially when you take the pragmatic approach: tops in bed are exhausting, while tops in bridge -- you often just sit there and they fall from the sky!

Others tops, however, occur because they are conjured, carefully planned, they are created from scratch by the mere power of your mind. During such moments, one can have a very erotic experience!

LHO opens 1NT 15-17. Your hand:



Your partner passes, responder also passed and you decide to pass as well, your flat distribution is not appropriate for balancing. Your partner leads the 5 of hearts (3rd/5th).



This beginning does not look very exciting.

Declarer calls for small in dummy, you play the ♥7 and declarer wins the 8.

Declarer plays the ♠Q, partner plays the 8 (reverse count, showing three cards), dummy plays small, and so do you.

Declarer then plays the ♠J, ♠7 from partner, small in dummy.

Like the desire that sometimes arouses without warning, instinctively, you duck again, without haste or hesitation.

This flirt with danger excites you, especially as it is good bridge: you duck to have a chance to beat the contract (you are playing teams), to give declarer a chance to go wrong.

Indeed, South plays a third spade, your partner follows and declarer is at the crossroads: to play the Ace or not to play the Ace, as Hamlet would say? Two seconds pass, 6, 10, 15, 30 seconds, declarer hesitates, sniffing the air like an animal, trying to sense the danger.

The animal would not go wrong, but a human being cannot reasonably believe that you have stiffed your King of spades.

All your senses are awake. Your heart is pounding. You relive your first love at first sight. What intense pleasure! South finally calls for the 10 in dummy and you win your stiff King. First plateau of pleasure!

You enjoy this first success and take a deep breath.

How can you now lead this to the ultimate point, like the surrealists would say? "Courage is something that needs to be organized," wrote Malraux. Like a top and sexual pleasure in bridge, or vice versa, as you like!

Now the King of clubs?... NO!

Keep your libido under control… and your nerves! Exit in diamonds, hoping that your partner has the Jack. Declarer plays the Ace (2 from partner, she likes), followed by the King.

Seeing the endplay coming (the fiasco), you throw your Queen under the King (are we not ready sometimes to drop everything for a flirt?)

South plays a 3rd diamond, Jack from your partner, who also cashes the ♦8, everybody discarding a club.

The position is now:



Everything is ready, ecstasy is approaching.

Your partner holds your destiny in her hands.

All she needs now is J10 of hearts (is it not fortunate that the heart is at the heart of this flirt?)

You are not asking for much, only J10 of hearts. You throw her a quick glance and her face, her allure, her posture, everything tells you she will play the Jack of hearts.

After the 8 of Diamonds, she puts the Jack of hearts on the table!

You cannot believe your eyes, you have succeeded.

Your heart skips a beat, you almost faint, you soar in the sky: the top is there, within easy reach.

You're ready to swear loyalty to her until the end of your days, or hers, or at least until the end of the hand.

Your bold flirt, brilliant and risky, has created tricks that were non-existent for the defense.

You already see the +50 that you will proudly show your partners (1 spade, 2 hearts, 2 diamonds and 2 clubs). Added to their +90 (you doubt that your opponents can play as well as you!), you will earn 5 beautiful Imps created by a flirt, a daring trap set for declarer.

While you float on cloud nine, inebriated by the fragrance of this intellectual orgasm, dreaming of your future glory (this hand will surely make the Bulletin), South ducks in dummy!? What's happening ? This play harshly brings you back to earth.

Forced to fall from your cloud, you evaluate the situation. What can you do?

The more you think about it, the more you see that there's nothing to do.

South's latest coup, so simple, cancels your two brilliant shots.

Upset, disenchanted, frustrated, you play a small heart on your partner's Jack. South wins the Ace and endplays you in hearts! It's over! South will write +90 instead of -50.

Very impressed by this beautiful play, you take a look at declarer and you notice for the first time that it is a woman.

Trying to make eye contact to compliment her on the quality of her game, you only see at first her magnificent rasta-style chestnut hair. Sensing your eyes on her, she turns her head towards you, her emerald eyes plunge deep into your soul (and even a little further) and she says:

"In these troubled times, isn't bridge the safest form of sex?"

Elementary, my dear Watson!

Dr. Watson was kibitzing his old friend Sherlock Holmes, who was playing a little rubber at their club in London. Watson didn't play bridge. Well, he did play but never with Holmes. In fact, nobody wanted to sit at Holmes's table. Everybody thought he could see through the cards: he always took winning finesses, always found a missing Queen and always made the right switch. Furthermore, Holmes had a nasty tongue that frightened all his partners. At dummy's sight, he would take out his magnifying glass, lean over the table, examining carefully his partner's cards and would almost always say: "My dear friend, even with a magnifying glass, I can't find what you promised me in the bidding."

The only players willing to play with Holmes were Jack the Ripper, Dr. Moriarty and Inspector Lestrade of Scotland Yard. Jack and Moriarty played together, naturally, and the inspector teamed with Holmes, the good against the bad, like when we were kids.

Left of Holmes sat Jack the Ripper. Holmes, 4th seat, opened his hand:



Jack led a heart.



When dummy hit, Holmes jumped on his chair, took out his magnifying glass, leaned slowly over the table and started to examine the cards. He hovered like a helicopter, going from the spades to the hearts, suddenly diving towards those two little clubs. He would then look at the inspector through his magnifying glass. The inspector, not a bit intimidated, opposed a defying grin that only all-powerful government officials can display.

At first glance, Watson could count 6 losers: 2 spades, 2 diamonds and 2 clubs. He was prepared to listen to the chapter of insults that Holmes generally addressed to his partners who grossly misbid. But his cell phone rang. He had to go away to answer and, by the time he returned, the hand was over. He bent down to check the score sheet and saw 100 in Holmes's column. Holmes had made 11 tricks! Holmes sensed his old friend's amazement, turned to him and offered his most mischievous smile.

After the game, walking back to his flat on Baker Street, Holmes explained the hand.
"So, this hand, Holmes, how did you make 11 tricks?" asked Watson. "3 winning finesses, I imagine?"

Watson knew only finesses in bridge. That is the reason why Holmes would not play with him.

"No, said Holmes. I would say maybe one, if finesse means 50% chance of winning. Once the 1st finesse won, the rest was forced."
"Can you elaborate?"

"Heart lead," reminded Holmes. "The bidding has revealed that my friend Jack has 6 spades. Does he have a singleton heart? Not likely. He has 3 or 4. One cannot accuse Jack of being timid in the bidding either. With seven spades, I know him, he would have rebid 3. On dummy's small heart, Moriarty played the Queen and I won with the Ace. The heart Jack was then most probably on my left. To find the club king, I have to locate the Ace of spades first. It is the only play where I need to be lucky, 50%, to be exact. So I played a spade. Jack jumped with his Ace and played back a spade, Moriarty following with the Queen and the Jack. So, for his opening bid, Jack has 6 spades to the Ace, probably the heart Jack, the King of diamonds (with the Jack maybe) and the King of clubs. So, after the King of spades, I played a club to my Ace, picking up Jack's stiff King."
"Bravo, Holmes!"
"Elementary, my dear Watson!"
"So, a beer at the Piccadilly Circus, Holmes?"
"I have not finished, Watson. So far, I have only 10 tricks. How did I make 11?"
"One of them revoked?"
"I played the 9 of hearts, ducked in dummy. Moriarty won the 10 and played a club. I won in dummy with the 7. Everything is in place now for a trump coup."
"Donald Trump? Where, Holmes??"
"Not Donald Trump, Watson, a Trump Coup. This is the position:



King of hearts, Moriarty follows, I pitch a diamond and the Jack falls on my left. The 8 of hearts - which is big, Moriarty follows and I ruff..."
"Why ruff a winner? Have you smoked again?"
"No, Watson. To succeed, I have to reduce my trumps to the same number as Moriarty. In fact, here we have a Grand Trump Coup because I ruff a winning card in order to reduce my trump holding. So small diamond to the Queen."
"Ah ha! A finesse !!"
"No, not a finesse. A certainty. In dummy with the diamond Queen, I play spade, Moriarty discards and I ruff again."
"Again ??"



"Small diamond to the Ace and diamond. Moriarty is finished. That's what we call a Grand Trump Coup. With this coup, you pick up one of opponent's trumps without playing trump. It is a beautiful coup, rare enough to talk about it when it arrives."

At the corner of Oxford Street, they noticed a crowd near Selfridges, one of the biggest department store of London. They rushed over, sensing something had happened. The police, recognizing Holmes, let them through. On the sidewalk was lying Dr. Moriarty, dead, his chest ripped opened.

"What happened?" asked Holmes.
"Jack the Ripper left his card," he heard.
"You can say that again," mumbled Holmes.

On the corpse they found a playing card covered in blood.

"What card is it, Holmes?" asked Dr. Watson.
"Elementary, my dear Watson! It is the card Moriarty had to play to defeat 5 Clubs."