Neanderthal, Cro-Magnon, Homo Sapiens and the Stone Bowl

The Neanderthal Man, it seems, played bridge ("and what about the Neanderthal Woman?" will ask the feminists; in fact, and very seriously, we cannot say for sure women existed at that time because science books only mention the Neanderthal Man). Stone tablets have been found lately, from year minus 32,000, on which one could read:



An archaeologist, himself a bridge player, suggested that the numbers, and their disposition, looked like bridge. It was easy, after that, to decipher the abbreviations. A funny chap said that the game had probably been played between the National Hockey League (NHL) and the Canadian National (Railroad company, owned by the Canadian Government), hockey players' behaviour seeming to come out directly from the middle Palaeolithic, and CN's old equipment probably dating from the same era.

After protests from NHL and CN representatives, the experts concluded that NHL meant Neanderthal and CN, Cro-Magnon. Then again, we don't know if women existed because experts talk solely of Neanderthal Man (from year -150,000 to year -35,000) and Cro-Magnon Man (year -30,000).

Further research established that Neanderthal opened 1NT with 16-18 points and Cro-Magnon, with 12-14. Why this difference? was the big question. Well, it seems that Cro-Magnon was a bit snob. Being the first representative of Homo Sapiens, he had invented 1NT 12-14 to really distinguish himself from Neanderthal.

The numbers show that the score was game all, 1220 to 710 for Cro-Magnon. We don't know what happened during the third game. One theory is probably that the mockery of Cro-Magnon Men finally used up all the patience of Neanderthal Men who simply killed their opponents.

Experts also found out there was a bridge match, later, between Cro-Magnon Men and Homo Sapiens. In fact, they have only discovered a newspaper article in the England Daily Stone from the year -25,000. Here is that article, in its entirety, written by a Homo Sapiens named Standard American, freelance at the England Daily Stone. Notice the tone full of mockery of the article, that would nowadays be totally out of line and severely condemned by every organism for the protection of visible minorities and endangered species.

The Stone Bowl: Homo Sapiens proves his superiority over Cro-Magnon
by Standard American, freelance journalist
England Daily Stone

Cro-Magnon, in first position, opens 1NT, 12-14 points, and you, Homo Sapiens, have:



Do you double for penalty? You have 16 points and Cro-Magnon, only 12-14; the question to ask is not: "Do you double?" but "Do you have a good lead?," and the answer is no. Therefore, you must pass, in tempo. A good tempo is very important because primitive people, I should say especially primitive people, have very good instincts.

If you hesitate, Cro-Magnon will feel something and be on guard. In addition, before opening 1NT, Cro-Magnon very shrewdly puts his index in his mouth and then points it towards the sky to register any variation in the air. If he feels a vibration from you, he will know.

But you have discovered his trick a long time ago (you are not Homo Sapiens for nothing) and you always sit downwind when you play against him. Cro-Magnon can only feel hesitations from your Woman Sapiens, who cannot hesitate because she is sitting in the 4th seat.

Cro-Magnon suspects that his trick is not working, but his limited intelligence cannot yet find the reason.

Cro's partner passes and your partner also. You lead a small spade and you see :



Cro-Magnon grumbles something and, when his partner says "You're welcome" you understand that he said thank you. Cro-Magnon cashes three spade tricks (on the 3rd spade trick, your partner pitches the diamond Jack, promising the Ten) and you comment :

"They missed their 4-4 spade fit."

Cro-Magnon groans again and his partner translates :

"1NT making 2 is better than 2 spades making 2!"

Cro-Magnon then runs the heart 10 to your Jack. You shift to a small diamond, under AQxx. Dummy's king wins. Cro-Magnon now plays the 9 of heart from dummy, small by partner, small by Cro-Magnon and you DUCK also (you have seen Gabriel Chagas do those things before)!

A broad smile forms on Cro's short face: 8 tricks are there, +120, to beat all those Homo Sapiens with +110. Under his bushy eyebrows, you can see his little eyes full of joy.

He snorts a long triumphant grunt and you understand that he is looking for words that will avenge all past humiliations, all failures, all defeats to the hands of Homo Sapiens and their superior bidding system.

Cro-Magnon plays a 3rd heart from dummy, partner plays small and, with a splash of confidence and scorn, Cro thumps the Queen... that you win with your bare King. Cro-Magnon roars with anger. One moment, it seems that Cro-Magnon will take his axe and split your head, but his partner intervenes :

"Down, Cro, down..."

Cro-Magnon huddles up and soon, you see only his creased forehead above the table. It is clear that he is wondering how the King of hearts, which was on his right for the second finesse, suddenly appeared on his left after the third finesse. His partner, reading his mind (!), says :

"Relax, I will explain later."

You play a small diamond under AQ, your partner wins with the 10 and switches to a club. You cash AQ of clubs and AQ of diamond: 1NT down 1, + 50 for Homo Sapiens, instead of 2 spades making 2 for Cro-Magnon.

If you had doubled 1NT, Cro-Magnon would have played two spades. His partner has taught him Rescue Bids, which are really Homo Sapiens' bids designed to pull Cro-Magnon out of his misery.

If you had doubled 1NT, you would also have doubled 2 spades. Logical, isn't it? Cro's logic, but logic (even Homo Sapiens still has certain macho traits of Cro-Magnon).

And Cro-Magnon would have made 2 spades doubled.

Do you really want to face Cro's elephantine irony when he will score + 670? Not me.

The Angel's Share

At the house of wines Ott, in Provence, Mrs Castel takes us around the facilities with exquisite kindness. She explains that the wine ages in enormous casks, called "Foudres", with a capacity of 30,000 litres each. Each week though, they must add wine to the casks because of evaporation, called the "Angels' Share".

At the end of the tour, you taste different years of whites and reds, starting with the youngest and making your way back to their best year. You must not drink each wine you taste, for you will get drunk quite rapidly. You try to maintain a critical mind, to become the Devil's Advocate in order to identify qualities and nuances. The last wine tasted is simply divine and, losing all critical judgement (you did not always spit out the wines), you buy a few bottles.

Bidding a bridge hand is like wine tasting. You must avoid getting drunk, you must try to keep a critical mind, and not fall in love with your hand.

On seeing dummy though, your attitude will depend on your chances. If you got drunk in the bidding and find yourself in an impossible contract, you must continue to drink, you must get drunk with optimism and presume all cards are well placed; you must hope for a miracle and ask the Angels for help.

If, on the contrary, you have attained a sound contract, you must become extremely cautious; you must not go to sleep because it seems too easy; you must prepare for the worst and become the Devil's Advocate.

And sometimes, strange paradox, by becoming the Devil's Advocate, you will receive help from the Angels.

You open 2NT as South, partner bids Stayman; you bid 3♥ and partner bids 4♥. The lead is the 2 of spades, 3rd/5th.



Too easy, only 3 losers: a heart, a diamond and a club. A 3-2 break in hearts will see your home.

It is time to become the Devil's Advocate and watch out for a 4-1 break, the only problem you can encounter.

Jack of spades from dummy is winning. You immediately play a club to the Queen; West wins and plays back a spade to your Ace. Club to dummy's 10 and a heart to your Jack. West playing the 9.

Is it the Devil pricking your left shoulder or your Guardian Angel putting his reassuring hand on your right shoulder (everybody knows the Devil stands on our left and our Guardian Angel on our right)? Left, right, Devil or Angel, this 9 shines like a lighthouse in the night and you suddenly know trumps are 4-1. And if East still has K108, you have a trump loser. Or do you?

The Devil has taken you so far, but miracles are not his specialty. It is well known that the Devil bothers about reality and the Angels about surreality.

What do you know about East's hand? The Devil has helped you find out East has probably 2 spades and 4 hearts (KT8x).

If the Angels now have given him 3 diamonds to the Ace and 4 clubs, a miracle is going to happen.

You play the diamond Jack and a diamond towards the Queen; East wins and plays back diamond.

The Angels seem to have done their work. Here is the position you are looking for:



Ace of Clubs to pitch a spade from dummy, East follows; Jack of Clubs... ruffed in dummy, East follows!

Thank you, Guardian Angel! The stage is set: King of spades, East ruffs. A sudden silence comes over the table and everything seems to happen in slow motion as you take a trump from your hand and underruff!!

Your partner looks at you like if you were crazy. West mutters something, devil or hell something.

Only East understands what has happened. Besides, he doesn't play back immediately; he shakes his head, incredulous, not believing such beauty. You and East make eye contact for a moment and you both understand that you are not masters of those events.

In front of such poetry, of such "necessity", you both know that bridge is really the game of gods and that God probably threw the Devil in hell because he went down in a cold 3NT.

East plays back a trump, you duck to dummy's Queen and your Ace captures East's King for the 10th trick.

Who said Devil and Angels were enemies? At bridge, we often need both.

Is bridge the perfect game, which reconciles Devil and Angels, Earth and Heaven, Hell and Paradise? It seems.

The Devil though is only an advocate; his contribution is pedestrian and terrestrial. On the other hand, poetry and miracles, that's the Angel's share.

The Queens in the Tower of London

You join the visitors gathering around the Yeoman, British to the tip of his mustache, his cape in pure cashmere making you sick with envy [You have decided not to purchase this splendid cashmere overcoat at Aquascutum, on Regent Street, near Piccadilly Circus; the salesman, a perfect gentleman, brought you three coats to try ("just that you get the feel, Sir"): pure wool (very heavy), wool-cashmere (not to bad) and pure cashmere (shall I say a feather?). The salesman concluded: "The lighter on your shoulder, Sir, the heavier on your pocket". Was he ever right! Reason (i.e. your wife and wallet) finally prevailed.]

The piercing cold of January brings you back to reality.

The Yeoman, perched on a small pedestal, his back against the Bell Tower, explains that, in ancient times, the people sentenced to death (of whom a few celebrities like Thomas More and a Queen or two) were brought from the Bell Tower to the scaffold on Tower Hill (Trinity Square today) where thousands of people awaited the execution. Upon arriving at the scaffold, the convict had one final decision to make: he had to pay for the sharpening of the ax that would cut off his head; the more he paid, the sharper the ax ("The heavier on your pocket, the lighter on your neck."). And the Yeoman tells us of a convict who had to receive five strokes from the ax before his head would fall off. Brr!!

At that time, you were executed for a yes or a no; one simple denunciation and you were beheaded, to the great pleasure of the people gathered.

Catherine Howard, fifth and flirtatious wife of Henry the VIII, was beheaded.

Six years earlier, Anne Boleyn, second wife of the same Henry the VIII, sentenced to death for adultery, chose to be beheaded, kneeling, standing upright, in the interior ward of the fortress. From her room in the Bell Tower, she could hear the executioner sharpening his sword.

Bridge, like those ancient times, has Kings and Queens. But bridge has added a modern twist: Aces and trumps! Aces and trumps are so democratic, their first function is to behead Kings and Queens. When you are declarer, you look for clues that will point towards the location of Kings and Queens; and sometimes, a betrayal can be very helpful.

A declarer who has found all the clues, who has taken advantage of a betrayal (and sometimes two), can become a bloody executioner.

Poor Queens of the ancient times, they didn't stand a chance with Knaves so unfaithful they would give their Queens away.

At the Young Chelsea Bridge Club, in London, England, what strikes you first is the youth of the players; the second thing, they're all drinking Bloody Maries (nickname of Mary Tudor, for the reason you can gather).

In 4th seat, you open 1 ♠ with :



3♥is a limit-raise. Your hand is not very exciting so you bid 3♠.

The lead is the Ace of heart and the sight of the dummy does not fill you with joy, your partner, as always, consistent with her optimism :



After the heart Ace, West plays the club Jack, this surely looks like a betrayal. You take your Ace. Small spade from your hand, the Jack from West (second betrayal already?), King from dummy and small from East. Those Knaves are surely unfaithful, they have told you everything.

Spade from dummy, small from East, 10 from you hand, club from West.

West has therefore one spade, 2 clubs, 5 or 6 hearts; he has the Jack of spade, the Ace of heart (probably with the Jack), the club Jack, but not AK of diamond, that would give him 13-14 points, he would have open the bidding.

You cash the club King and West pitches a heart.

Betrayed by their Knaves, the two black Queens are with East.

You play a small heart towards the Queen, East following. King of heart, East follows again. East's and West's original hands are now open books (almost):



West has made an overcall at the two level, but did not open; if he had had the Ace of diamond, maybe he would have opened... maybe. An idea starts to take form: if..., it would be funny, a bit macabre and so... "bloody historical"!

You were a declarer looking for clues, the enemy Knaves have betrayed, you must now become an executioner, the two Queens in the Bell Tower must be beheaded for a new Queen to be crowned. The faithful Knave in your hand will carry the message of her soon-to-be coronation.

You play a spade from dummy, small from East, the 9 from you and West pitches a diamond. Ace of spade from your hand and Anne Boleyn (Queen of spade) falls under your sword.

The stage is set: small diamond from your hand, West hesitates a bit and plays... the King; with an imperceptible smile, you duck in dummy... and the Ace from East decapitates the King.

What is this sudden and thundering noise? The three ton gate at the entrance of the Bell Tower has just fallen with the Ace of diamond, the death sentence was pronounced. This is the end position:



Catherine Howard will not enter the Palace of Henry the VIII. Locked in the Bell Tower, she can see Mary Tudor, all dressed up in bloody red, waiting for her crowning; the poor Catherine can only choose the moment of her death: she can come down right now and be beheaded by the executioner (the faithful Knave will then carry the news to Mary Tudor); or Catherine can postpone her execution by sending first her little companions to their death: on the 13th trick, her head will fall anyway.

The young Englishman in the East position ponders, wriggles about in his chair; slowly, you take your Bloody Mary to your lips, and put it back down on the table. Mechanically, you slide your cards one on top of the other, as if sharpening them.

The young man looks at you, a bit annoyed; you smile back at him, understanding, like an executioner.