The Heaven of Bridge

Do you think there is a heaven of bridge?

Do you believe bridge gods exist somewhere?

I, for one, think yes.

But not a heaven with a single God: first of all, that God would surely be a man, a real macho not funny at all, who would spend his time bragging. No, I am thinking more of a heaven like the Greeks had, with many gods, men, women, all happy and very interested in... you know, a heaven where the gods would cheerfully cheat on their spouse. Zeus was the master in that domain, seducing all women, mortal or divine.

So, in my bridge heaven, the most prestigious God, and the less understood, is certainly God Squeeze.

Squeeze is a bit like Zeus in that he slept with everyone and has produced innumerable bastards: Simplesqueeze, Doublesqueeze, Triplesqueeze, Non-simultaneous-squeeze (rather twisted, you don't think?), Squeeze-without-the-count, Trumpsqueeze, CompoundSqueeze, Crisscrosssqueeze, etc.

The immense majority of players don't hang out with the Squeeze family; they find them too complicated. You have all these conditions before you can begin: Do this, don't do that, duck this, rectify the count, etc. It is hell.

In the emphatic gibberish of today's psychologists, Squeezes would surely be identified as a dysfunctional family.

Please note that squeezes are a bit like those rare diseases that you learn about in medical schools: they rarely happen. Bridge is the same thing: squeezes are rare.

The only thing you have to do at bridge is to count to... 13.

Another God is called Elimination.

He is not funny: you're always on diet, you always have to eliminate, eliminate, eliminate, it's... drastic. Elimination might be necessary anytime during a hand, at the beginning, in the middle or at the end. This God is very useful and easy to understand: all you have to do is to cash your tricks, one after the other, no finesse, no ducking, Ace, King, Queen, bang, bang, bang, that's all.

Next is a Goddess that nobody, but nobody, understands: Goddess Lead.

She is so complicated, you always go wrong with her. You try to be really careful, but it is never the right moment, never the right suit, never the right card, etc., so much that some people say she is the patron saint of women (I just repeat what I heard here, don't kill the messenger). Several people have tried to write books about her, the best ones, the worst ones, but sometimes the best is the worst, and the worst is the best. In a word, Goddess Lead is unpredictable, capricious, always changing:

"No, not there!"
"... "
"Not there either!"
"... "
"That you've already done yesterday."
"Yes, but you liked it yesterday."
"Well, I do not like it today!"

If you ask me, we men also could write a catalogue, and it would be very, very thick.

To sum it all, Goddess Lead is simply unbearable. Indeed the majority of players want so much to avoid her that they bid one more: they would rather play the contract and go one down than having to find Miss Lead. In fact, she is the point L of bridge. And she is so pretentious, she thinks she's a star, a prima donna, because she is always the first to be seen. As soon as she appears, she begins to hop around and wave and shout:

"It's me, it's me, look at me!"

Isn't that REALLY annoying? It is so tiring that majority of players have settled the matter: they do not even look at her. That will teach her!

Another God is called Endplay.

The vast majority of players avoid him, as they have only one objective: to keep the hand.

They do not understand that they can use the opponents to play suits in their place.

Losing the hand is equivalent for them as to lose their honour. If they have to make 9 tricks, they want to make them 9 in a row. They are the over-eaters of bridge. They don't understand that a bridge hand is like a meal with 3, 4 or 5 services, with pauses to digest, reflect.

They are bulimic: the first 4 or 5 tricks go quickly, like at McDonald's. At trick 6, they begin to slow down, 7 is more difficult and 8 marks the end. They lose the hand and go down.

Endplay's name says he arrives only at the end of the hand, but sometimes he appears at the first trick. When that happens, we have Endplay-on-Lead. Well, that is a sight. Can you imagine that ? Take the kids out of the room, hurry.

There is another God, very quiet, not spectacular at all, very discreet, not snob, not complicated, called Count, much more practical than Squeeze. In fact, you need him all the time. Sometimes you hear players talking about him.

"Why did you play spades? Count was telling you to play clubs."

There you have it: Count talks to you, he is there, at your service, always ready to help and, if you don't use him, well, it's your fault. If your make friend with this God, bridge becomes almost a child's game. Counting requires a little effort, but its assistance is invaluable.

In the sky of bridge, you see, there are several gods, and most of them do nothing (that is the definition of a God job: having nothing to do) except Lead with a full-time job. As for the others, you can see it day after day at the bridge table, the majority of players do not use them.

There is one last God, a Goddess in fact, extremely popular, so popular she is the Celine Dion of Olympus.

Everyone sings her songs, everyone buys magazines to hear about her life.

Do you have an idea, do you know who she is? But the Goddess Finesse, of course.

Finesse is really the most popular, the more attractive, alluring, charming, attractive, you could use the entire dictionary to describe her.

The vast majority of players spend their time running after Finesse, everybody loves her, they never have enough of her: Finesse here, Finesse there. They do not understand that Finesse should not be relied upon.

The good players are doing everything not to ask for her help, because she is not reliable: she gives you a chance out of two, 50% ( sometimes less), and that is understandable: she must be exhausted, poor Finesse, running everywhere and without judgement. For my part, I think she suffers of a chronic burn-out.

Other gods offer much higher chances of success: Count can offer 65%, 80%, even 100% sometimes; Endplay can assure you of 100%. But we must face the brutal fact: bad players believe they love to win but, basically, they would rather lose. Finesse is so beautiful, so exciting, so sexy...

You are playing 6♥. Lead is ♣K



A loser in spades, one in clubs and at least one at heart, but nothing is lost.

You win the club Ace in your hand. What is the first God who must enlist? Goddess Finesse, of course, in hearts.

Not for pleasure, a mandatory finesse is not the same as an avoidable finesse, here you have no choice. You play, therefore, a small diamond to the King, and a heart from dummy. Small, Jack from you and small on your left. Phew!

Goddess Finesse is very nice this time. You now play the Ace of heart and everyone follows. Re-phew! Voila.

After these 4 tricks, this contract is 100%, you cannot fail. The spade finesse, you say, may miss? What finesse in spades? Send Goddess Finesse home, we no longer need her. By the way, good players do not like to be seen too often with her, she has a bad reputation and they might be accused of bad dating.

After Goddess Finesse, you should now call God Elimination. Indeed you have already started, you have eliminated the hearts of enemy hands. Now you have to remove the diamonds from your hand. Go ahead, therefore: Ace of diamonds and ruff a diamond. Here's what remains:



Finesse in spades ? Didn't we send her home ? I told you, she cannot help you, she can only harm you. She will tell you that you have to guess who has the Queen of Spades. Do you believe that it is really helpful? In fact, she could make you fail.

You should rather use Endplay. First he will be pleased you called for him in the middle of the hand.

Think about it: if you play clubs, eliminating that suit your hands, opponents will have no more heart, you will have no more diamonds, no more clubs, and opponents will have to play spades for you or they will give you Ruff and Sluff, frequent accomplice of Endplay.

Why guess spades when opponents can do it for you? That's what the God Endplay can do for you: he will force West to play spades for you. If West plays a diamond or a club, you will ruff in dummy, discard the spade loser from your hand and register + 1430.

You give one trick to win 5. If this is not a good return on investment!

Speaking of investment, I'll give you a tip: my wife and I have invested for years in the same stocks and we have never lost a penny. At the end of the month, our statement is always higher than what we anticipated. Have you guessed what we invest in? It's easy, it's Visa and MasterCard!

Do not be afraid to invoke all the gods of the bridge, forget about the beautiful goddess Finesse, do not use her unless you're really, REALLY, in need. Rather ask help from everyone else, they are kind and understanding, and they are there to help you really.

As for Goddess Lead (and stocks), do like me... endure.

The Story of Tables and Chairs

In the world of bridge, everyone knows there are tables and chairs.

But did you know tables look down on chairs ?

Tables are snob, that's something I've learned in a recent tournament. One afternoon, I played in a 3-way and my team lost. That evening, a player asked another player (member of the team that had beat us) :

"Who did you beat this afternoon?"
"8 chairs," was the response.

That is when I learned that tables don't have a very high opinion of chairs.

Well, the night after that, this TABLE arrived at my chair (what can I say ?).

First board:
TABLE's partner opened 1♦ Precision, and all passed.
My chair lead a diamond and we collected 12 out of 18 for down 2.

Second board:
My chair opened 1NT and it went pass, pass, 2♥ (hearts and spades).
I passed, the TABLE passed and my partner doubled. The chairs defended well, sitting on their tricks (what can one do to a chair ?) and earned 16/18.

Third board:
TABLE's partner tried a curve ball that didn't curve. How can a flat table think of throwing a curve ball?



When the curve ball pitcher bid 5♣, the TABLE, who should have passed on 4♥, unless he takes his partner for a chair, took a very aggressive tone. With the years, chairs have been able to understand the TABLE's language.

"You have no right to bid. Once you bid 2♠, it's my show, you're out of the picture."

The chairs collected 15/18, for a total of 43 out of 54 matchpoints.

The TABLE left his chair (oops!) without saying a word. A TABLE hates looking like a chair.

Chairs of the world, beware: don't let one victory go to your head and make you think you are a TABLE.

Coral Pink Sand Dunes, Utah

In southern Utah, there is a desert where the sand is all coral.

How can the sand be uniformly coral? How is it that there are no pebbles of other colors?

Because the wind chooses them. Yes!

In search of grains, the wind ignores all the other grains, collecting only coral ones. Blowing back in its desert, the wind will drop coral grains and carry away all other grains. Amazing, is not it?

What are the functions of the sand and the wind in the desert?

Cover everything, absolutely everything that tries to go beyond the surface.

Are there any plants that still grow in this desert? Yes.

Some plants have developed a growth mode quite appropriate in the circumstances: they try to grow faster than the sand takes to recover them. Fascinating!

At bridge, in a doubled contract, declarer is like a plant trying to grow in the desert. The two defenders are the wind, unifying their efforts to submerge declarer with sand. They must choose their actions like the wind chooses the sand pebbles: they have to ignore those who are too heavy, let pass those who are too light and take only the ones who will drown the overbidders.

You have:


Partner's delayed double says: Opening hand with diamonds, short in spades. Do you pass for penalty? The pebble is too heavy, no? Your spades are not strong enough to flood declarer. So, with discipline, you bid 2♥. But... help is on the way. People really don't like to pass.



The wind is blowing harder now. What do you do ? First, you have to decide if you make 2♥. Most probably. So, you are entitled to +110 or +140. Declarer is vulnerable, down one not doubled is only +100. So you have to double to collect +200, the Kiss of Death at bridge. Opponents have decided to settle in the middle of the desert, in spite of warnings from your partner. He told them: nothing breaks, all the points are behind opener. But people don't listen. So you double. Declarer should not survive in these conditions.

What is your lead ? Your singleton, or a heart ? You decide to lead a heart to force declarer.



Declarer wins the Ace in dummy and plays back a heart.

Partner takes the King and, for lack of a better return, plays the ♠9. Declarer plays small. Do you take this grain of sand ? Is it the right color ? You decide it is not. Why not duck and let declarer play?

Declarer wins the Queen in dummy and plays a club.

Partner puts the ♣10, declarer wins the ♣A and plays a diamond. You play your singleton. Partner wins the diamond and plays back a second spade. Declarer plays the ♠J.

Do you win this second pebble? No. What will you play after ? By ducking, you keep control of trumps. Very important.

Declarer, almost engulfed now under the sand, replays a diamond. You pitch a heart and partner wins the King. He then plays the diamond Ace and another diamond for you to ruff. You finally play the Ace of spades. There are no more spades in dummy, so you can play a heart.

Declarer will still lose a club for +500 and a top.

In Coral Pink Sand Dunes, everything is back to normal. The wind and the sand have recovered everything.

The four hands:

L'invitation au voyage

"Dreams! always dreams! And the more the heart is ambitious and delicate, the more the dreams will move it away from the possible. Each man carries in him his own amount of natural opium, secreted and renewed and, from birth to death, how many hours can we count that are filled by positive pleasure, by successful and decided action?"

The thrill of thinking ahead

You have:



And partner opens 1♥!



Wow‼ You were planning to fit in hearts and now partner tells you she has also spades. Question: is 2♠ a reverse ? Depends who you ask.

For partner and me, it is only showing shape. Opener might have extras, we will know later.

So now, what do you do? Do you give fit in hearts or spades? Everybody knows 4-4 fit is better, because on the 5-3 fit, the 2 extra cards will serve to discard losers for the other hand. So you go ahead and bid 3♠.



What is partner doing? She is saying she has a nice hand, but no control in clubs. As you have all suits under control, you KCB.



Now it hits you. What does hit you? Which card would you now like to know about in partner's hand? The Heart Queen. Does she have the heart Queen? If you could know that, you would be able to bid 7. But how? You have discussed about asking bids, but you are not on firm grounds in that department. If you bid now 6♥, is it an asking bid, or to play?

So, you settle for 6♠. Now let's go back for a bit and see what we could have done better.

After 2♠, you were so excited by this double fit that you lost your concentration. What did you do wrong? With spade as trumps, as we saw, you will ask keys, but how will you know if partner has the Queen of hearts? How can we find that out? Well, Eric Kokish once wrote an article about a hand where he set a false trump suit in order to collect the information he needed in another suit. I did that also once, wrote an article about it with this title: Hommage to Eric Kokish. Alas, I don't have that article anymore (I am pretty sloppy with things and quite lazy also).

So lets go back to our hands and instead of 3♠, let's bid 3♥.



As I say all the time, we tend to play too fast at bridge. I once lost a chess tournament game by playing too fast. What's so special about that, you are asking? It was a game by correspondence!

In bridge, the pleasure, the exhilaration, is not in the result, it is in the journey. So take your time: think, think and think again before making a bid or a play. Enjoy the thrill of thinking ahead, and savour the surprise of your partner when you will put her in 7♠!

My Dog Shawnee and the Queen of Diamonds

West opens 1♥, your partner passes and East also. You have:



Have you discussed with your partner balancing bids in 4th seat? No? Well, you have a lot of work to do.

Let's say you reopen with 1NT, 11-16 over a major opening, with or without a stopper (nothing's perfect). West rebids 2 ♥ and your partner doubles, negative. What is your bid?



As your range (11-16) is quite large, you have now to bid your hand to the fullest. So you jump to 3♠, showing 4 cards and a maximum. Your partner bids 4♠ and everybody passes.

West leads the heart king.



You swear silently against your partner (you will understand later why silently). Why did't she (yes, it is my wife) bid 3NT? But now is not the time for recriminations, you have to make 10 tricks.

You duck the lead and LHO plays back a small heart.

He was end played on the lead with most probably KQ of hearts, the Queen of diamonds and AQ of clubs.

He could have played back a spade, but he didn't want to squeeze his partner's trump holding (he doesn't know your spades are anaemic).

You win with your heart Jack and... pause. Count!

West has repeated his hearts, so he has 6. Spades are probably 4-2. So East has 4 spades and 2 hearts (if he has 5 spades, it will be verrrrrry difficult).

He will always make a spade trick, so why not give it to him now? But in a peculiar way!

You are not the best player of the club for nothing. My idol Julius Caesar used to say: "Better to be 1st in Ste-Adele than 2nd in Buenos Aires!"

He was not talking about bridge, but we can transpose and use those famous sentences in other circumstances, can't we?

You play a club.

West jumps with his Ace and plays back a 3rd heart, ruffed by East, killing your Ace. But that heart Ace was useless anyway.

Opponents must believe you have lost your mind (your wife and partner looks absolutely certain you are crazy), but you are not the best player of that club for nothing, I repeat! They don't know it yet, but you are in the process of counting the hand. So you sacrificed the Ace of hearts for the big picture, opponents being reduced, in your superior mind, to mere pawns in your brilliant plan of making the contract.

After his ruff, East, endplayed now, plays back a club; small, Queen and King from dummy.

How will you play the diamonds?

First you have to play the spades and clubs to obtain the count.

Small spade to your Ace, Queen of spades (West had 2, like you pictured) and a 3rd spade to dummy's King.

Then Jack of clubs, both following, and small club ruffed, West pitching a heart on the 4th club.

The hands were then:



The position is now:



The Queen of diamond is the card you have to find now.

You play against club players who open majors with 9 points and minors with 14, and who never alert! They often play 70%, but never against you! Enough with the hesitations and bad mouthing.

Where is that Queen of diamonds?

Barry Crane, the world's greatest matchpoint player (May he rest in peace. He was assassinated 2 or 3 months after calling the director against my wife. She assures me it was not her. Now I always swear silently, as you saw previously, that is why I am still alive. You live and you learn, they say. In my case, You learn and you live), so Barry Crane said the reason for his successes was called Oscar, a mythical bird that would stand on his left shoulder and tell him how the cards lie.

Well, in my case, it is not a bird, but my Airedale dog, Shawnee, who sits down on my left (not on my shoulder, she weighs 75 pounds!) and who, depending on the card I am looking for, puts her left paw on my lap (telling me the card is on my left) or her right paw (I let you conclude).

Either that, or she wants a cookie! :)

She can also push me with her nose: twice, the card is on my left; once, well... you should know by now. Either that, or she needs to go out.

All this nonsense to tell you I don't know where is the damn Queen of diamond.

I know West has 2 diamonds and East, 3. So 3 chances for the Queen to be on my right, and 2 on my left.

But these scoundrels open majors with 9 points, and weak 2's with 5 to 8, but sometimes they have 7 cards and 11 points.

No alert, ever.

I give a look to Shawnee, she looks back at me with teary eyes, then closes her eyes, opens them again, looks to the side. It is obvious she is at a complete loss: no paw, no push with the nose. These players are so unpredictable (even them sometimes, they don't know what they are doing) that she is mystified. Poor me! I am all alone. Even my dog is abandoning me.

I have been thinking for at least 2 minutes, torn between 2 lines of play.

Then I see how I will play those diamonds. A clue? It is worth what it is worth but I want those players to suffer, I want to give them false hopes and then, at the instant they will think they have me, crush them (the hopes, not the players). Did I tell you I was the best player of that club? Yes? Just in case you forgot.

So I play the 9 of diamonds from hand. Has West hesitated a bit? He follows with this microscopic slowness that looks too quick (WOW!) and you know then you got him. Ace from dummy, small from East.

Small diamond from dummy, small to your right, King from hand, QUEEN!!!

Wouf, wouf, says Shawnee!!

Man about universe (II)

In 1996, I had entitled this way an article that won the prestigious Bols Bridge Press Award (Man about universe). The year before, I had made the final with The Apple, the Law and the Principle that was also published in BBO News.

A man about universe is penetrating, profound, contrary to the man about town who is superficial. The man about universe bridge player sees through appearances, like a poet, very different from the man about town bridge player who takes the 1st finesse he can and... goes down.

The following hand was played by Nicolas L'Ecuyer in the finals of the Canadian Championships, against Eric Kokish, Number One bridge coach in the world.

Your partner opens 1♣, Kokish on your right bids 1♥ and you have:



As the finals of a National Championships are not for timid souls, you jump to 3NT and all pass.



George Mittelman, Canadian Champion and World Mixed Pairs Champion, leads the 4 of spades (attitude lead). Kokish wins the Ace and plays back the 7, showing probably 3 cards. You win the King and... you have to make the rest, the spades being established.

You have 8 sure tricks: 1 spade, 4 hearts (your heart spots are not enough to make 5 tricks), and 3 clubs. You can find the missing 9th trick in clubs if they break 3-2. Even if they split 4-1, if you find J or 10 stiff on your right, you will make 4 tricks. Do you play clubs right away? All the men about town would, and complain after, if they go down, of their bad luck.

Nicolas, like all champions, hates to go down in cold contracts and hates even more to play without thinking, without trying all he can to avoid being forced to guess. The top players never guess, they count. And if ever they guess, it is because they are forced to, the events force them to guess. At the crucial moment, when they absolutely have to guess, they then transport themselves into another dimension, the 4th dimension, reserved to really exceptional players, brilliant, men about universe.

After winning the 2nd trick with the King of spades, Nicolas cashed his 4 heart tricks, watching intently Mittelman's discards: 3 diamonds (8, 9 and 10), then the 9 of spades. Nicolas knew at that moment that Mittelman had 5 spades, and most probably 4 diamonds and 4 clubs. With 5 diamonds, he could have led that suit. As he led spades, it should be his 5 card suit.

The more Nicolas cashed his heart tricks, the more Mittelman was finding the situation difficult, if not unbearable.



Finally Nicolas played his 2 of clubs and Mittelman followed with the 5, in tempo. Well maybe a tiny too much in tempo, with that forced relaxed way that wants to show: No problem here. Nicolas knew at that moment Mittelman had 4 clubs and he asked himself why he didn't discard one.

Follow closely: Nicolas knew that Mittelman knew that Nicolas could play small club to the Ace, then club to his King, finding the 4-1 break and pinning the Jack or the 10 stiff with Kokish, if ever that was the case.

Why didn't he discard a club? Nicolas was asking himself. To put yourself in the other player's position is one of the top qualities of a champion. So Nicolas put himself in Mittelman's shoes.

When he played the 2 of clubs, he knew he was missing J10854 in the suit. He knew also Mittelman had 4 clubs and Kokish only one. When Mittelman put the 5 of clubs on the table, Nicolas knew this was a true card, the lowest (Kokish-Mittelman play udca), and thus, Kokish could have only the... 4. If the 5 is the lowest, then Mittelman's clubs have to be J1085.

Nicolas called for the 9, making 4 tricks in the suit and eventually claiming the Canadian Championship.

Would you say Nicolas was lucky? No, luck doesn't exist at bridge. Nicolas would tell you that playing the 9 of clubs was a 100% play, that he was taking no risk.

I told you: great players don't guess, they count. However, in this arithmetic enter not only the cards, but also all the information floating around the table: the hand count for sure, but also the way the players stay still or move, their twitches, their tempo, their will to play in tempo, their determination not to have twitches, not to hesitate. And, in case of really superior players, we have to add, I think, this other power, indescribable, non measurable, that we can almost associate with the instinct of an animal who "smells" the cards.

Only a man about universe can access this supernatural arithmetic, and has enough confidence in himself, enough courage to play the way Nicolas played.

The kibitzers, and maybe Mittelman himself, must have thought Nicolas had seen the cards. When a player makes a play that prodigious, we first are shocked. Then we might become a bit irritated, telling ourselves that play was impossible, that he really saw the cards.

Then, after being forced to admit everything happened correctly and ethically, that nobody peaked, we feel, I think, a bit of jealousy in front of that amount of intelligence. And finally, if we are honest, if we can put aside all our mistrustfulness, we cannot help feeling a profound admiration for the infinitely superior player, and marvel once again about this magnificent game we play, that gives us sometimes the chance to equal the gods.